Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Free Speech Friday

Just because cash is tight it doesn’t mean I should set aside my dreams. I made that mistake long ago I will not make the same mistake again. Too many years have gone by and I just realized that money was never the problem; It’s where I spend it that’s been keeping the weight on me. My perception of helping, family and friends changed immensely, my disregard for my well being can easilly be abused and taken advantage of. I’ve been rolling in deep slumber not realizing it was becoming a coma.

Anyone can easily pass judgement on me but I have my reasons. Helping disabled them instead of enabling them; it became too convenient that everyone stopped trying to help themselves. Everything became clear; the words of encouragement were all lies, the perception of independence implanted which I took to heart in accomplishing was nothing but a lie.

The way my stream of thought these days are clouded; mostly with anger and frustration. The culture that binds family is the very same culture that eats away the core relationship to the bone.Running away would be best to keep my peace; but at the moment keeping distance from family is the best resolution at hand.

My family is broken in many ways and into tiny bits and pieces that gives that cold and distracted feeling inside of me. As time ticks away with age, experience and wisdom the more fear settles and makes my breathing space reak. The more I want things, the more it scares me; the more I hope to not have the same outcome when the time comes for me to raise my own family.

My foundation of independence is something I feel strongly confident about should I have a trait to pass on to an offspring. Love to me is very subjective and unconditional all at the same time. But forgiveness and faith is an area I find accessing and grasping with much difficulty as I would in mathematics; I find it irrelevant most of the time.

That is why a viable partner is highly important. To my must fortunate karma; I have found my perfect half! Although my temper, frustrations and anger gets in the way sometimes I always get a smile and loving response. He has molded me into a better individual by providing me with a stable emotional environment as well as an inner calm. But most times I feel I am too broken to be able to sustain our relationship; I fear at some point I might cause the ripples to disappear…ripples are good.

As unsure of what I really should be doing with my life; I am always definitely certain I will keep my life intertwined with my gentle warrior. Everything else is irrelevant without him; my choices are always right no matter the consequences. People may deem my beliefs perverse but it only has to make sense to me.You give clarity amidst my lovely chaos and for that I will keep you forever.

Wake up and smell the coffee

My eyes fell asleep as I looked down

Lids drooping in a lazy bound

My ears seemed to wither

As  each word crawled its way in and out

My breath grew heavier by the minute

As I waited for the clock to run as fast as a snail

My cheeks involuntarily drooped

As my bright smile slowly turned into a frown

My brows reached for the skies

Desperately fighting off a seemingly inevitable prying

My brain is in a state of shock

It froze and unable to react, what will awaken my dying conscious?

Coffee sounds good, see you at 8 o’clock…

Untitled I

Time, the one sneaky bastard that gets away with anything

 Creeping in no hurry

Withstaning every weather, every situation, stubborn and persistent

Thorn on everyone’s side might I insist

An eternal watchful eye

Hovering freely as the winds

Ebbbing away like the tide

An endless echo of conscience, guilt and pride

Time waits for no one

Not for you or I

Time…the bastard of us all…

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Chemical Reaction

Questions plague my mind. This an itch without a cure perhaps. I wonder why people do what they do?

I wonder if they even do it like reflex or do things because they mean it? Why does it even hurt when simple things are brushed aside like dust? Why do I feel envy? Why do I hate? Why do I react so differently anymore?

Has it been too long? perhaps it is fear. Have I fed my imagination far too much it has finally driven the crazy bitch out the girl.

We used to talk longer hours, we used to laugh out loud, we used to do so many different things together…has it ebbed away with the tides of time? Has it drifted away with the waves of the gloomy oceans?

Why do I feel this way?

Perhaps a mere irritation on his forgetfulness is causing such rage of emotions. I realize how much of an angry person I am.

I feel everyone is too comfortable that they feel free to do or worse not to do whatever…Comfortable is killing me…

These days demands keep coming and going from my bewildered head. There have been far too many expectations, expectations perhaps I think might never be met. Plans are shit. they never go the way you make them.

All the effort one puts in never seem to be enough. The more one tries to reach out, the farther away it slips. 

Why do you bother to ask me to tell you stories when you listen to it with one ear and let the words run off with the other?

Simple things make me happy and it’s simple things that I find offensive and sad for the most part. I just thought I would always mean something…more than everyone else. Loving someone is selfish and will always hurt in ways you can never imagine…

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Knight

You’re always there to my rescue and I am happy. Yet somehow I feel ashamed. Is it because my independence has vanished among other things I’ve let go. These days I feel so helpless and I am grateful you are always there for me…what would I do without you?

Pain

I’ve always been a happy person but these days sadness has knawed on my soul. I feel deeply sad sometimes, I feel isolated, I need to keep busy and live otherwise when the clock stops so would my breath. I fear sadness, I fear…I am so lost and I’ve nobody to talk to. I’ve chosen not to dwell on anything that’s been bothering me and kept it in lock and key. It’s haunting me really, I have no idea what my next plan will be, how do I get work that I can happily say I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life? Tough luck. When I try to catch up with people all I get are complaints, I just got tired of listening I guess…I don’t even feel like listening to myself right now…

Frustration

There are things that I know in my heart I will always want but who knows when I can have them? Perhaps tomorrow I will, perhaps never…ideas will remain ideas until we make them happen and promises will only be promises and remain futile until we keep them…Life was easier when playing by the sand box… 

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Ponder

It’s never easy to make life choices, you make the right choice and you win but make the wrong choice you end up getting screwed over by fate. The career path I’ve chosen, unfortunately isn’t doing me any good. It just made my life more complex to begin with. There are so many things that I want to do but I can’t because there are so many things that I need to do first. At this point, my perception of hope and dreams changed completely. I just realized how tiring it is to hold on to what you believe and what you really want but it doesn’t mean I’ll drop everything and just stop. Sometimes it’s just simply tiring.

Bucket List

I am a restless soul, I just figured that out. I feel free when I travel, I feel the calm of the earth but everything seems pointless when there’s no one to travel with. When you find yourself alone in a journey it takes the life out of it. Rejection hurts the most when it’s coming from the person you love. Life is a gamble, it’s a risk and I think we should always jump in with both feet to make things work. I guess I thought we had the same perception in life. I just realized, changing your mind is will never be. I Love You so much and I won’t let go. I just wish my persistence does not hurt you in anyway that would make you slip away from me…I’m making a bucket list of everything I want to do and everything I want to be part of my life. You’re in it. You’re always the first in my list…I just hope i wouldn’t die trying…

Reach for the Stars

I a stubborn, persistent and bold individual who will always go for the things I want. I act before I think, I take risks and I think that has made my boring life colorful. In the same way it has made a huge mess. Stir of emotions constantly hound me and now i am nowhere. I am restless and confused. You are rational, logical and always know what you want. I’d like to think we’re the same but then again we are not still I wish our bond will be stronger than time… 

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Stream of Thought

I feel as if everything I do is starting to lose its meaning. Life, its getting to me. The things that I really want to do against the things that I have to do. The way my career path has been going, I’m pretty much screwed. I feel isolated. The things that I really want to do with my life will take a lifetime before it happens, at least that’s the way I think it’ll end up. I’m jumping in with both, taking the risk. This time it might cost my life or what my life could be.

I better do something drastic and fast. I feel like my life is slipping away. I guess it’s that time of a person’s life to make a bucket list before it’s too late. Hope and Dreams can be so tiring, I’m stretched so thin. The balance is futile . I am aware that I can’t always get what I want, I’m trying so hard but sometimes getting what you need can never be enough.

Wishful Thinking

I wish every bond is strong as time, I wish that it could endure. I feel as though the moment I take that step and try again, I would lose more than anything I will gain along the way. I take a step and I lose everything. You are everything to me…You’re the only part of my life I never want to lose… 

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Gut Feeling 

I woke up one morning and I felt as if something has changed but I cannot seem put my finger around it. I’m afraid to ask. For one thing, I don’t even know what to ask. How do I start a conversation when I don’t even know what I’m supposed to talk about. I feel so much happiness when I’m around you yet sometimes I feel you are distant…I understand how difficult things are for you right now and I pray that everything will work out just fine.

What bothers me is that I am not sure how to be me when I’m around you these days…Do I console you, do I try to make you laugh? How do I make you feel better? I fear I might make things worse even unintentionally it would be such a dissappointment. You always make sure I’m ok but I do not know if I am doing you any good at this point in our lives. I do hope I am helping even if you always say that you’re ok. You’re one tough individual to read my dearest as you constantly show a strong fascade and keep yourself behind wit and humor. Even if I seem to not know what I am doing half the time, know that I am always here for you. I Love You so much my dearest of that I am certain.

I’ve got a gut feeling and I will be listening closely. Let the mood swing on…

Searching my Soul

I’ve had my fair share of disappointments and frustrations and quite frankly they are futile

They will never do you good but the funny thing is they’re always there

Like a bad habit that never gets tired of hanging around 

That’s just the way it is I guess 

There is one thing I have noticed, no matter how many people surround me still I feel so alone

I have loved ones whom I hold very dear in my heart and they love me just as much

Somehow, somewhere there is still this tingling in my soul constantly reminding me

Something is missing…

Is it my heart? Is it life? Is it me? Am I broken?

But then again aren’t we all?

As it turns out,   I’m just simply searching my soul

My world is an ocean, so much to learn, so much to discover, so much to look forward to… 

Untitled

It lays still in mud and cold breeze

Quietly waiting in the moonlit night

Old and rusted, almost antique

An ounce of mystery graciously revealed…

Of adventures, of great times and bad

Marked forever with every scratch on its alloy of a skin

With every crack distinctly running across its fragile glass cover

With every rusted powder cold and wind and rain graciously coated its chains

Each reminiscent of what has been and where it’s been…

Taken adrift across time…

Perceived differently by the world surrounding it

Seemingly lost and forgotten…

As it is faded, old and damaged with only immortality as its eternal companion…

Amidst its sufferings and countless bludgeoning of  chance

It may be damaged but never broken…

For with its adventures and misfortunes not only bled for

but nurtured it well with each experience

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

I’ve Got The Yips 

Got a lot on my mind lately, this, that, those kinda stuff that just keeps on runnin’ and runnin’ ’til my mind almost drops dead from it all. Growing up used to be fun…now it’s  still quite like a game but one you can never seem to win anymore. What in the world just happened? I can be whatever I…I’m frustrated but I’ll never stop trying. Think of me as a persistent allergy or contender or caterpillar and I’m gonna keep going at your leaf and flowers until I get what I want. I think I’ve got the yips. All the greats get over it. I should be able to get over the yips and rise above the ashes. Second guessing what I can and cannot do is the worst of them all. But like the famous jagger puts it, you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

Swinging The Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Thursday High

I was invited to a 42nd commencement Excercise today and it felt good. It would have been more exciting had my brothers been up on the stage. One of the many dreams I am aiming for. Man what a different kind of high it is to watch someone end his or her school days and step into the realm of adulthood, independence and head turning careers. I’ve had my fair share and I know exactly how it looked from inside my head with my young blood dreaming and what it felt like to have the freedom to reach for your dreams. Duc In Altum–Aim High.

Swinging The Mood

The human emotion has depths far more enigmatic than the oceans.

The beauty that sparkles under the moonlit waves will reveal secrets kept from the world outside

and will do so in its unexpected and surprising manner.

Just like the oceans we are never going to be sure just what might lie beneath the erratic waves of the human heart

until finally it reveals itself in its bold and animated declaration.

A mystery that is most likely never to unravel its true and honest answer.

Striking Distance

My goal was to hunt but I ended up being haunted instead. Day in and day out the nightmares revealed itself more grimly

than usual. Being away from each other served more like a curse to me than anyhting else. If I were in pain I could only imagine

the suffering my gentle warrior was in. How do I console him from across the miles? How do I fix the mess I have made?

He is strong that much I know, he always has been the stronger and sensible one but still it was unnecessary for him to go through such situations. I traveled with good intentions in my heart but I never thought it would hurt so much. There were good days and there were bad days. On a good day I’d be able to think of him happily and without tears rolling down my cheeks but on a bad day I’d cry myself to sleep again and again hoping to wake up with jess by my side and that it was all just a bad dream. I have never felt so strongly about him this way. We’ve had our fair share of being apart in the past but it was nothing like this. This was definitely the worst kind.

The pain was just too much. It was emotional torture was what it was. I wasn’t afraid of the things that they say could cost the both of us because I was away. They had no idea. The kind of man my gentle warrior is beyond compare. No one will ever be half the man that he is.

We had our love and no one can take that away. The rollercoaster was there because I just simply miss him and it was dragging me into a slow and painful death.

Getting By

Movies, Television, radio and online chatting with my jesse got me through one day at a time. If distance and emotions could kill

I’d be dead by now. My favorite thing that he does apart from all the other great things he selflessly does for me is cracking humor

amidst our troubled times. He always made sure I put on a smile on my face especially on my darkest hours. He taught me how to be strong even when I felt weak. He always told me that everything was going to be ok and I hold on to that still.

The Color of Envy

The nightmares never left but I managed to get by. The pain still pricks and stabs my heart but I’ll survive. It was odd though,

painfully odd, cruel even. One minute I was part of his life, we were so happy doing everything together and the next minute I was

nothing more than an onlooker, going through photographs of the events in his life. I was happy for him, for the things he has done with his life. Just seeing him happy gave me happinesss. But I couldn’t help but be envious too because I wasn’t there where I should be, with him.

Nirvana

I had so much emotion inside of me. I wouldn’t know where to begin. The happiness in my heart was beyond compare, a feeling I would very much want to hold on to for the rest of my days. It was friday and the day has come for us to be together once more. Inexplicable emotional outburst will surely be the usual guest amidst our long awaited moment.

Thinking Out Loud

I have never been happier than the moment I laid eyes on my gentle warrior as he walked on to the door towards me. As we held each other’s arms it felt so serene that I never wanted to let go. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. It felt so good that I wanted it to last forever. In the following days I had so much questions and stories I wanted to tell him. But then I started thinking out loud as well. It started with a tiny detail, it was nothing really until my observation made me feel weird, uncomfortable and angry. I’ve never felt like this before. I didn’t know what to say, how to say it let alone say something about it at all. Until finally, my raw emotions and honest observations got to me. I never pegged myself to be the jealous kind really until today. I was shocked as he was but I found myself going at him with my opinion and observations. It was statement after statement, one question after the next. My curiousity suddenly heightened, my emotions careened all over in an uncontrollable manner. What just happened? I wouldn’t know, how do I make it go away? I had no fucking clue.

Somehow I was glad I had had that conversation with him but my gut tells me differently. Maybe I shouldn’t have, maybe I was out of line…But what I do know is, my love for him is so deep that I would not hesitate to cross any line just to show him how much he means to me even when at times it will place him on the hot seat. But don’t worry my gentle warrior it’s not an everyday ordeal. I’ll only do it when I feel someone is stepping on my toe nails if you know what I mean.

Swinging the Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

Weekends give that feeling of serenity not just because work will leave you be but especially because it is the time I get to spend time with my dearest! If you look closer you’ll find a smudge of disappointment somewhere in my window of emotions. I had it all thought out that I’d be by his this weekend but then things continuously change in it’s most annoying manner. So there I was lying in bed left alone with my thoughts. He had to go away for the weekend. Disappointing as it was for me unable to be home to him, I suppose everything has its own point to make. This time the gods agreed.

They say the very thing or trait that one attracts a person to another will be the very same thing one will hate about him eventually. Perhaps there is some truth to that. Things will just make sense somehow. My dearest is the most responsible and logical person I have ever met in my life! And that’s what I love about him. Sometimes though, I am happy and sad when he is so responsible and logical. The confusion will grow always when it comes to love and emotions. It has no right or wrong definition to it really. Everything is subjective.

The Sweetest Thing

Anyway, as I was saying, saturday came and he went to take a trip with his company friends as a team building activity and it was to be on an island. It’s summertime, hence, the beach. He warned me about the phone signal being weak and all and I said just please take good care of your self out there. My dear warrior, being his responsible and sweet self promised me he’d let me know when they get there. He always keeps his promises except the one being on time though, I find it quite hilarious really and cute. I received a message but from a different number. Hmmm, sounds like my jesse but not his number…got really worried but as I read on I understood completely. Dead spots are a bummer. Thanks to the boatman I slept without worry. Then came sunday, work day for me but my mind was somewhere else. I have been pondering on calling my gentle warrior but the thought that he might be asleep and so tired from the trip really bugged me. At around half past four in the afternoon or around four I began to really worry again. It wasn’t like him not to let me know how he was or where he was. I worry and I can’t help it, I worry even more of sounding like a mom than a girlfriend sometimes. It’s a bad mix of funny and fear really. Anyhow, I managed to extort money for a phone call and as he answered the phone I was so relieved I felt a huge hug and warm kisses were the most anxious reaction I could think of.  I found out the details of course, not good ones but not as bad as well. They were stuck somewhere in pampanga and it was late at night already. He told me right away that he’ll be sleeping at the office instead of going home. I love the way he thinks fast in taking away my worries and being very sweet about it. If I were cookies and cream I’d melt right then and there. My dearest…The sweetest most loving man in my whole wide world! 

Swinging the Mood

This is your daily source of emotional prescription. If symptoms persist consult your boyfriend.

It must have been the wind or the rain or lack thereof that changed my entire day. Emotions are gold and silver, one minute it’s my treasure the next minute it’s my curse or bad juju violently marking my downfall from the high steps of my emotional or emotionless palace. It depends on the mood really. You can call me the sneaker girl. How do you feel today?

Sad Saturday

I was pretty sure my day started out just right. I woke up at fifteen to six this morning and even if the cold shiver was my early company I can picture the sun rays welcoming me in their warm and tender ways. Even ate breakfast, today’s special-last night’s leftover chicken. Getting ready for work is just routine, boring and can even be defined as broken perhaps. It’s one of those things that you do because you have to even when it’s not at all close to what you want, especially on a weekend. Who want’s to get up early on a saturday anyway? So, I got my stuff ready, I was full, I was packed and good to go only I had to wait for the carpool first. I went back in the bedroom, my aunt and the sleeping child were meandering peacefully into deep slumber. Buzz, buzz it went, luckily, my phone was on vibrate mode. It would have been a tragedy leaving the house with a baby crying his heart out.

 As I stepped out of the building my sun rays were nowhere to be found. The cold breeze managed to make that tingling feeling that ran quietly in my spine. It’s like one of those scenes in kill flicks when a psychopath is about to reveal himself or herself from the shadows to make his striking and bloody statement. Then again, I’m not in a kill flick. So, I got in the car with the gang and drove off. It was an ok same old shit different day kind of ride. Then it became just a little bit interesting. See, we were driving in the same fast pace as we are always rushing to beat the clock but the difference today was the fog. Thick, fire smoke like fog was the street king for the day. We had a good wheel man though, with a small swerve here and a fast turn there made it dangerously fun until we reached the often dreaded “workplace.” If you ask me, it’s an understatement. Slave den would have a better ring to it. If my boss reads this I’m dead meat! A happy dead meat thank you very much. Sorry boss, retractions have absolutely no room in this part of town. 

Inside “the workplace” time was running like a snail in a shell. Man, I’ve never felt time drag so much until today. I felt like the earth’s rotation shifted and got caught in a time warp where everything stood almost still although it was moving, it was like watching instant replay in a football game. Now, I’m not an angry person, I mean I have high tolerance to whatever needs to be tolerated but this was just too much. Light bulb flashing! I suddenly had an idea, I thought to myself that if I try to work faster and look busier atleast, maybe, just maybe time might fly by much faster than with it’s 3 minute delays. To my surprise, it didn’t really work, not much, a little bit maybe. Good thing I had something else to keep my mind busy with–the boy with the broken shot glass. He gives me that high just thinking of him. My heart beats slowly and time seems to stand still and I just want to keep it that way so I’d be able to stare at his gentle face and keep it inside my precious memory. He’s the only thought I love rewinding over and over my head and I wouldn’t get tired of thinking of him.

What sorcerer’s spell have you over me brave knight? You know, he gets me through everything and today I’m in my own happy place. Today I get to hear his voice, a piece of happiness unfairly snatched away from me and this boy since this whole half the world away scene we accidentally got ourselves into with a little help from an unnecessary and unfavorable twist of fate. The clock struck 3 and the boss was about to leave the workplace. The gods favor me as the greeks put it. I wasted no time at all and asked nicely if we could all go since we’re done for the day and he agreed. Fishy but I’ll take it. Everyone scrambled liked a rotten egg in gas panic as I gave them the go signal behind the boss’s back.

Making my way down the stairs I couldn’t help but put a huge smile on my face like I did on christmas morning watching him sleep. Undeniable and unending happiness and I could have it again with just a phone call away. I mean it doesn’t really let me drown in beautiful alcoholic happiness in that exact same moment I have when I’m so close give him spur of the moment hugs and kisses or whisper and say out loud my love and honest comments. Anything under the sun is how it is with my boy with the broken shot glass. I couldn’t ask for more.

But wait, what the hell?! Getting to the vehicle, I then found out there’s not enough space. There’s just one too many of us and on top of that we had vehicle shortage. Of all days, when shit happens it really just gets the best of me. But I kept my cool hailed a cab instead and made my way back to what I call E.R., the place somewhat resembles a hospital made by the bed arrangements as people are stuffed to share what commonly should only be a one to two persons pad. moving forward, so, I got back, rushed to the room, even skipped as I dropped my backpack grabbed my phone, put on my ear piece and dialed the number. As it rang my heart raced and I couldn’t stop smiling to myself then it stopped. Cancelled. My call was refused. I didn’t get it. I tried again and he answered, his voiced sounded coarse, he had just woken up. I felt bad, then I thought of checking my other phone while we were speaking. I then found out that he had changed the schedule. Man, how I wished I had seen it coming. There you have it, sad saturday reaching for the boy with the broken shot glass. But hey, this local sneaker girl doesn’t just give in to today’s mood swing. Like I always say,when you feel like you’re about to get down with that contagious mood swing. There’s only one thing left to do, swing away that mood and it’ll make all the difference. So, I came up with this idea that looks great from inside my light bulb. Hush…It’s going to be a surprise!

The world outside

Nomadic Mind and Spirit 

At one point I felt like I was an orphan in this quest for greener pastures. Roaming the world here and there as if I had no roots, no family to give me the proper guidance. I was lost and had very little if not no clue at all to what exactly this journey had in store for me. I then became a nomad. A restless being accompanied only by fear and confusion. The new world. A mix of races, a place full of many different things. Good and bad was what it was. Yet another challenge presented itself. I could only begin to count these things and the list would go on and on and on. Nothing was what it seemed. The world I’ve known, from my own comfort zone to the world far and away. Questions plagued my young and vulnerable mind until I started asking myself what was I really here for? Why have I led myself to this path bringing me away from my gentle warrior, my family, friends, from the land of my birth. I took me a while to recover and start being sensible again. I woke up, went to work, ate, slept and do it all over again until the minutes turned to hours and hours into days and days into months and the vicious cycle went on eating away my time, my life. Everything seemed to lose its meaning being away and on the far side of the world.

Keeping My Sanity

No matter how hard I kept myself busy at work and spend my hours watching movies still the questions plagued me. I’d wake up in the middle of the night  in sweat, restless. This isolation was just too much. Paranoia would set in, insecurities, and anger. I was a mess. I was angry at the situation, angry at the world but mostly angry at myself. I should have done better, I should have stayed and worked harder. It’s never enough. I struggle day in and day out to keep my sanity so to speak. I had to make sense of it all and stay grounded, stay strong, no, stronger. I have to push and keep pushing and not give up no matter what. Some things are just easier said than done I suppose.

 In Love and War

They say that leaving a loved one even just for a little while would make a lot of scars. A thought that scares me more than anything. Emotional scars are the worst kind. I never was a fan of hear-says and gossips but these damn bees keep buzzing and it’s driving me crazy.  But I stand my ground and believe in what I have and that it will never fade, not even time nor memories can erase. I would always give my full trust in you, without doubt, without questions. Although, in the process, I have become a territorial creature, marking what’s mine and be so protective of the one I love. Miles may separate us and a war may be waging from across our worlds as there are people who may be part of blurring our fate together. But I believe in our love, our dreams and our fate.  Being logical and responsible as you are, do not try to make sense out of my fairy tale state of mind. It’s part of what keeps me sane. Let it be this way, let me sink in my emotional freedom, let me live inside my dreams for it’s the only food right for my lost and starving soul.

Searching my Soul

For the longest time I have searched for who I truly am and what part I’m suppose to play in this game of life. And in my years of toil and trouble I found out that there is no right or wrong answer. It is what you make of it. You will always be the one, the only one to lead and make life as tolerable and interesting as can be. Surviving the norms and eccentricities, the roller coaster rides, the melodramas, the critiques, gossips, the truth and lies that come with it will bring you the ultimate high and fulfillment. I will still wonder now and again, but will always find my chi. At some point you may think it’s senseless, but I must say that sometimes the crazy things in life are what makes us sane for the most part at least.

The World Outside

It is a cesspool of germs, corrupt and troubled ideas, people, places and adventure even tragedy.It is the ultimate mixture of the good, the bad and the ugly truth and lies. It will serve as an eye opener to give you a more clearer vision of the world outside your comfort  zone. Will you go with the flow and sink into conformity or will you stand up on your own and keep what you believe in? I will always stand on my own beliefs and ideas, especially about love. The more I get exposed, the more I learn and the more I come to have a stronger hold to my beliefs and my emotions. Although confusion and nothingness has touched my life more than once, clarity has given me the light and strength to move forward and become a better person, friend and loved one. The world outside is worth looking into but never let the worst or best of it get you. Reality bites and will bite hard. You must always be ready to bite back. 

Keeping the faith…

In search of gold and silver, I set sail to wherever the oceans may take me

The wind and breeze accompanied me to such an unpredictable voyage

Until this seemingly never ending wrestle with the waves and countless star gaze beneath the skies

Turned the seas to dust and rubbles of earth almost passing for nothingness, bringing me nowhere

The travel seemed futile as the gold and silver never found but this will only be for a moment 

I will patiently keep searching and betray time to fasten every moment so I would reach you just in the right time

I’d be the happiest of lost souls you would ever see…

My ultimate and eternal bliss would be the day I hold you in my warm embrace and never let you go…

My dearest soon it will be our journey and I will take away your sadness…

Our life together awaits us

As I pray deeply, I will try harder and plan more intelligently to reach the beautiful life we have always dreamed of…

I Love You so deeply dearest that it will last for all eternity… 

This Boy…

He handed a small transparent glass telling me sincerely how sorry he was for betraying my trust. At that moment I felt so happy to find that in the glass lived a tiny bear, I looked closely and found faint cracks across the glass looking almost like it was struck by lightning…He said it represented the broken trust in our friendship. The sweetest surprise a girl can ever receive… Every end marks a beginning and as he ended our friendship in a way, the beginning of our enduring love and life together blossomed and lingers… I am an old soul who will always find comfort, love and serenity in my gentle warrior…I Love You so much my dearest jesse! I’ll be home soon…

The lucky one

 I find it peculiar how people always seem to make their sweet escape by saying they’re still looking for something, that there’s something missing. There will always be some truth to it amidst the white lies, the pain and pleasure. In search of some kind of meaning in their lives, greener pastures, happiness, sadness, love and for some they may even call it fate. Yet no matter how hard they try the more they get lost in the nothingness, tangled in the web of confusion and aimlessly floating in the void. The irony of it all kills the very soul in every one of us little by little making it a slow and painful death. Still, no matter how cruel the turn of events may seem and how ugly things may turn out there will always be a brighter day to look forward to. To those who have loved and lost, I can never truly say I understand or console you by saying I know how you feel but for what it’s worth you will find better days again. It’s easier said than done really but just knowing there are still people who care will help in ways bigger than you may think. As for me, my pages may be writing aimlessly at the moment as I wander across the miles but I can definitely say nothing and no one can ever come between us. Surely emotions will come to play but I will never hurt as long as I’ve got you dearest. You can thank the stars all you want but I’ll always be the lucky one…

Serenity

I want your face to be the first sight as i awaken

To feel your warm embrace and listen to your sweet whispers…

There is only one place I would rather be…

By your side my dearest…

As my confusion grows with the world around me you remain and always will be my serenity…

Heart and Soul…

Why have I caused you pain?

I would never do that on purpose, not to you my dearest, never…

How do I console thee my love when miles and miles of earth separate us?

My heart and soul is full of warmth as I hear every loving word from you my love…

Thai su my dearest…

Cherry Blossom

I fainted once and you were there…

I’d faint over and over again if it meant keeping you around everyday for the rest of my life…

Via Con Dios

We are born

We grow up

We grow old

wither…

 But it is most sad…

when the young ones go first…

Via con dios pamangkin ko…

May you find eternal bliss and sunshine amidst

heavens’ clouds…

We love you…

The boy in my sandbox

I left you by the sand box

With all the games we used to play

When you smiled back at me

I felt the warmth on your face

Then the day to bid goodbye came

Taking blue skies and sun rays away

I long so much to hear your voice again

My tears will keep falling like rain from the heavens

But your laughter and sweet whispers in our sand box

They keep me smiling amidst this longing and waiting…

Until then…

Drowning in the desert

Humidity has taken every gasp of air from my lungs

This place is a mess!

Boredom and monotonity a constant companion–no a plague!

Killing me softly…dragging all emotions inside of me to spew like hot molten lava

With angst and sorrow all at once…

I feel as though I am stuck in this rut…

I am drowning in my own tears…

But this is not the end for me…

It is only the beginning… 

I will fight through dust and sweat and stink and long work hours

I will rise from the ashes!

Return to Innocence

The clouds may be grey for a little while

As we pour our hearts’ sadness to the heavens…

We are at a loss but not defeat

Tis’ a new day, a new dawn, a new life paold…

Find peace and Love and Happiness amidst our grieving… 

The gates will open to welcome your return…

To Innocence…

Sistine Chapel

       As enigmatic as Michelangelo’s rennaissance paintings my predicament is seemingly turning into an inexplicable auspicious twist of fate.

       Perplexed and almost breaking into a flush of panic, it seemed that the hand of God reached out so kindly and touched a good samaritan’s heart whom he sent just in the nick of time to my rescue. 

       This week’s special: Peanut Butter and Jelly on Brown Bread and apples for dessert.

       Just when I think it may be the end of the road for me, my saving grace proves me wrong and stretches out another road ahead for me to tread. There is no end…Only new beginnings…

Fast and Furious

Time is criminal. It steals without remorse.

Questions plague my mind…

Has he eaten, went to work safe or slept well during the day?

I know him too well that I can dismiss any worries that may come to mind…

But the heart has a mind of its own…

I wonder…I worry..I think of him all the time…

‘Tis innate when in Love I’m afraid…

Yet a smile touches my face everytime!

I keep whispers in the wind and each breeze shall reach you

Time may steal from us over and over

But time too has its fast and furious ways of counting the days

for us to be with each other once more…

Angels and Demons

The breeze freely comes and goes

With whispers of curiousity

The grey and white and thin red lines

Becomes blurry as emotions stir my soul

Winged creatures soon surround me

In tranquil verse under azure skies

  Yet there is this beast inside

Uncontrollable anger, devious schemes in mind

demons hang constantly like shadows in the light

An unlikely tandem as opposites attract

What is right without wrong?

As conflicts continue to arise

My angels and demons will always be in flight

Pocketful of wishes

My wishing well is almost empty

I haven’t got much time

I’m giving it my all but then the sun don’t shine

I’m taking all my sorrow

In a bag and leave them be

I can feel the tracks are shaking

Damn train is coming for me

Take my hand and know my heart belongs to you

My love will keep you warm

Until I comeback home to you

To Mourn a legend

The music played on and on 

You don’t sound different but you’re not same

 The only difference is you’re not here aymore…

Your songs meant more than just words

It was an inspiration

You conveyed love, conveyed life

You sang your songs and made them real

We listened to your masterpieces and may very well live your  words

It was too soon for such a passing

The three stars and a sun mourns

And will forever be grateful

Your legacy lives on

Let your music Live Forever

Linger…

The Weeping

The river was shallow and steep

Crystal waters ran through earthen pathways

slow and discreet

Going along the rest of the world

In silence, unnoticed, serene

Until it had had enough

And as it took its deep and treacherous breath

Animosity rages freely through the earth

In tears, taking everything on its path

And for a moment the world stood still

In awe and horror

As the once calm and crystal waters

Drown the earth with its raging sorrow

colors of the heart

Your love stains with vibrant colors

Like rainbows do in the skies after drops of rain

Sunshine that peeks to dry the clouds from salten tears

The heavens intimately made

You light each corner in my life…

of gods ands mortals

The gods favor me

They let me keep you in my heart

Far from all the pain this world has scattered

I give you all I have but then I’ve not much

But only the warmth of my love

To make it your home

distinctly criminal

An arrow descended from the highest of skies

Hitting without remorse my young and tender heart

It carried with it a name that I shall forever recall…

Cupid makes the rarest and immaculate of pairs

One so brilliant and with a golden heart

And one impaired and bleeding heart

An illness and cure all at once

The heavens agree, one that shall forever be…

Crowded Room

There are no windows in this place, nothing but walls and artificial breath of life that does nothing more than suffocate

They will drive you into the brink of insanity and just when you’re almost in the edge

Snaps back reality

A cold tingling in the spine lets you know how the world really works…

The world is beautiful in many different and horrendous ways…

The world is a crowded room, relentless and mean…

Imik

Sa bawat liwanag, mga anino’y nakakubli 

nag aantay, nag aabang

mga bakas ng mga nagdaan 

At sa paglaho ng bukangliwayway

buhay nila’y nakasalalay, muling babangon

At mula sa nakabibinging katahimikan

Imik ng nakaraan ay masisiwalat

Humanda ang lahat

katotohanan ay ikakalat 

Poet in the skies

The dawn has its infinite ways

taking away each day

the clock does what it does and at its finest hours

my time runs, ticking away the life I’ve grown to love so much

 He is all I need, all I could ask for…

Everything

How could I ever leave? 

The words he’d whisper, I play over and over

It lingers, they make ripples

Ripples are good, they awaken my heart

And it shall beat on and on and on

His name, his love, his warmth 

Until my poet in the skies and I meet once more

 And so would poems and sonnets

rhyme its way again to my rekindled heart

And I too shall find my way back to his heart

Conviction

Catch the rays with your childlike eyes

Run through God’s plain sight

Cast away your fears

The breeze will wipe your tears dry

Watch the kites that fly free

Wind and sky will take them anywhere, everywhere

Across fields and planes carefree

Without questions, away amongst the  boundless borders

Shall fear keep you from going

Shall mountains and valleys become burdens

Turn away from the shadow of doubt

Reach for his hand and be guided by his light

Faith will see you through

Restless Warrior

The world has lost its manners

I then fall on my knees

Nothing left but its unkind stares and watchful eyes

Lurking freely as it slowly suffocates me

I am watched; I am judged constantly

How do I move around the world and everything in it?

Shall I weaken and diminish into ashes?

Or shall I weep for in its own criminal distinction and murderous state?

Freedom

The shackles has left a mark;

reminiscent of a past

Dying to remember what its like to forget

Remnants from what has been, haunting still

Reaps the good years, turned to tears

The past delays

Tis’ the greatest traitor portrayed

Into the deep

The blue and vast oceans roar as it taps on my window pane

Gush winds carry all tunes and wails

Songs of sadness and beautiful things

Drenched earth of brown and green as ever deep and mean

beneath the ocean floor lay still

Awaiting thunder, rain and sky of waves

The quiet blue oceans keep secrets forgotten

Far and away in unreachable depths

Slip inside poseidon’s shade

Untapped and feared pit of waves

The sleeping ocean creeps quietly

Restless and wandering amidst earth’s bossom